The Return

Life Update / Pulling Yourself Out of a Rut

Stormy Landscape by Penry Williams

You know that feeling when you forget to reply to a friend’s message, and then a bunch of time goes by and then you start to feel weird about replying at all? Or maybe that’s just me, I don’t know. All I know is that this is the longest I’ve gone without posting since I’ve started my Substack. I strived to post once a month, and during hard times, every other month (which already felt sparse), but now it’s been nearly three months, and the anxiety has building for me each day I think about how I still haven't posted.

It has not been for lack of trying. My process was becoming relatively simple and consistent— on the occasional non-chaotic weekend, my husband would take the girls for the day, and I just wouldn’t leave the office until I had an essay written. I would attempt to convey in the most readable manner I could muster whatever external conflict and internal musings I was dealing with for the past month. Once this became relatively consistent, I began to think if I should try to make a better effort at making my posts more organized and readable. What percentage of this was a genuine, yet misguided upward striving aim to be a better writer, and what percentage was my insidious inner critic and self-doubt, I couldn’t tell you. But unfortunately that second guessing snowballed into a larger pause than I intended.

It was also summertime, which I thought would give me more time to write since my husband, a teacher, was off work, so I diligently set away to work on a post about the infamous murder of the philosopher Hypatia by Christians during ancient Roman times, and the relationship between intellect and faith. This piece took much more time in general as it required a lot more external research than my typical post, where I simply pull from my own life experiences. I also questioned whether it was “on brand” at all for my substack. I probably should still post it, because I did pour a lot into that piece for so long, but eventually I realized my strength lies in the emotional (which inevitably also means sometimes chaotic) nature of my writing.

Right in the middle of working on that post, life began to hit hard. My daughters hit a fast and furious growth spurt (emphasis on the furious…). Whatever level of fear I had for bringing a second baby home to my 16 month toddler, was more rightly apt for the experience of having TWO toddlers. It’s complete insanity. And just like with every growth spurt with kids, it requires you to completely shift the way you were doing things— right in the middle of my trying to shift the way I was doing my writing. And, also, right in the middle of a massive personal shift, which inevitably affected my marriage. I’ve never been more convinced of astrology than when I read about the Saturn Return, essentially a massive period of reckoning and personal shifts that happen in your life around ages 27-30 (I turned 30 this past February).

As more time passed through this chaos, I felt the distance of the last time I posted on Substack. It burned in my brain. Yet, for the life of me, I could not find my footing. I eventually gave up and got back on Twitter. I figured if I can’t write essays, then at least I’ll share my ideas in little bits and pieces. I instead found myself essentially writing mini essays on there, which I think I will publish in an upcoming series here as well (so you’ll get a sense of what I was up to during these past few months).

It wasn’t until I got sick recently, and was literally unable to do anything, that I realized what a true blessing it is to be able to do anything. I have a terrible habit of not giving myself credit for the things I do. The second I’m successfully pulling anything off, I began to think about how I could do it better. As I mentioned earlier, I recently went down an astrology rabbit hole, and when I had my full birth chart read, it was mentioned how my strengths lie in my emotional intelligence and my ability to communicate and connect with others— the very thing I was already doing here.

I don’t need to show you how smart or articulate I am. That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to write to women, to moms, to human beings. God knows, as a human being (especially moms), we can certainly get stuck in ruts sometimes. And just like the old cliche goes, it’s not the smartest or fastest or most talented that reaches the finish line, but the one who simply keeps on going.

I can get caught up in the esoteric, in the intellectual worlds, that I forget as a human being, I am subject to the simplest of cliche life lessons as anyone else. I can trip up, I can make stupid mistakes, but I can keep on going. My being here, and writing this to you is me showing my humanity, giving you whatever permission you may need to forgive yourself for your slip ups, and to encourage you to keep on keeping on in whatever endeavor you may have convinced yourself is not important or you don’t need, but that you know deep down inside is essential for your vitality. Our vitality— that thing we must feed to not become the living dead. When we feed into our vitality, we feed into everything else in our life, and that our life touches.

I have many more things to say about vitality (future essay for sure), and faith (my current reckoning), and codependency in relationships (a huge reoccurring theme of my Saturn Return), but for now I will jump back into the cold waters of sharing my writing with this simple message. I thank you all for staying along on this journey with me. There’s a big number next to where it says subscribers, and I’m astonished that that many people are willing to receive my words directly emailed to them. I don’t know how many of those are bots or people who actually care. But alas, I will keep on writing as if you do, or else what’s the point? I know I care enough to share my words with you, and I thank you for receiving them.

I welcome any feedback (in the comments or replying back directly to the email) on any topics that I mentioned that you’re most interested in right now, or any other topics that I didn’t mention that you would like to hear about.

In the meantime, I wish you the best. And I hope to find you in your inbox soon.

Kyra ✨